First day of 2017!

I had a very good day today.

I've never been to Brazil and don't have that many friends who live there (there are some, but rarely kept in touch) but today I totally got a vibe of fun--Brazilian way. I guess.

So here's a friend, another colleague, who just moved from Brazil and today she hosted a NY lunch at her house. We had barbecue, ice-blended rum and banana; as well as farofa to fix with all foods. Everything tasted nice.

Her friends from back home were there as well, to travel around. They truly inspired me to travel more, as they've crossed half of the globe getting here from hometown to travel! I've never gone that far ever in my life but I will. One of them was also a travel blogger, wrote books and travel guides; even encouraged me further to travel-blogging. (Visit his page @ travelvince.com !)

Just today also I marked first attempt to touch and play with a dog, as my friend got a very cute one called Ginger. I've always been afraid of them all my life and turns out they're super nice! Her, especially.



There will come more time to turn more pages of 2017, I'll check more on the bucket list. Isn't that all that keeps us alive--to achieve something and be better each day?

A new year, new hopes, new passion, new day to start over. I had a very good first day of the year, hence I'm sure this will turn out to be a more fortunate one.

Welcome, 2017!

Monkey Chinese year: a self discovery

In less than a day, 2016 is gonna end. But not the Monkey year.

Earlier this evening, I had a lite conversation with a colleague starting with me expressing such relief that this year is ending.

"Not my best year so far," I said, "most probably the worst ever!"

And she started to remind me how I had my life journey of self-discovery, marking this year a valuable one for my life path.

"No, it's not. You traveled, a lot, using all your off days,"

Indeed I exceeded the 12-days of free air to breathe in, other than the usual Monday-Friday luxury of being a business-district inhabitant.

I blame it on the calendar, why would you showed me so many holidays right next to weekends this year? I'm not wasting any opportunities ever!

**

February, I had a weekend trip to Singapore. Very short trip and not a new destination for us Jakartans, but got a good deal of AirAsia Asean Pass, so I went.

March, my Asean Pass almost ran out of period use so I decided to visit somewhere new: Phuket, Thailand and Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam. Phuket was bl**dy expensive for a land in Asean outside Singapore, but Ho Chi Minh was spot on! Marvelous foods, picturesque scenes and a new country I've not yet visited. So, check! (Not to mention how hard it was to simply cross the chaotic road and to read signs in other language).
Same month also, I visited Bangka, Sumatra, for the first time and enjoyed the foods so much.



April, stayed home and business as usual. I missed Songkran again, but next year I'll go!

May, marked first steps in the Philippines. I paid a visit to Metro Manila and Cebu, also good choice of destination. Whaleshark was worth the 6-hour back and forth bus trip.



June, went to see parents' families in East Java: Madiun, Surabaya, Malang all around. I've never known them before and got to be closer with core family.



August, almost traveled to Siem Reap but canceled due to force majeure but I went to Bangkok instead. I never miss this one every single year, as I've found love, friendship and comfort here. Can't I just move to this place......



September, solo birthday trip to Paris, France and Barcelona, Spain. This was surely a week to remember. I'll write in details on this one!!!



October, Bali for a week. Also never missed this destination every year, but this was special as I hopped on different places and stayed in different styles for a week. Had a stay in villa, 4 and 5-stars hotels and hostel; moved from Nusa Dua, Seminyak, then Ubud; also witnessed the Ubud Writers and Readers Festival.

November, spent relaxing spring in Sydney, Australia. This was superb, also will write more later on.

December, back to Bali for a week. Started off as a business trip but one of the best I had probably.



**
My colleague, I'm sure, will roll her eyes at me to hear me whining for the second time about how bad this year turned out to be for someone with a Monkey sign. She's not entirely wrong. Don't let the unfortunate events outshine the good ones. Eventually, nothing will happen just because. Something happens for a reason.

And I'll treasure every single steps in life. 2016 has marked itself a journey to self discovery for myself.

Things to be thankful for.

I have been gone from this blog since the last quarter of 2013. Not that I had forgotten, or lost my interest in writing, but I got a whole lot in mind and tons of things happened in the last 9 months. And those had me highly thankful of what I've been through.

First.

Thank God I have graduated. This little girl is now an Universitas Gadjah Mada Alumna, part of Kagama's huge family. 

A bachelor of arts degree had obtained, which means this is the real life I am about to face. This is not to mention how hard it was to stay up all night in a whole week to get my thesis done. I've always been in love with environmental issues, and now (or had started since that thesis was written) is trying to connect between environment, international and domestic politics as well as development issues. They're all interconnected, in a highly comprehensive way and as someone whose background is international relations (and politics), I gotta find a way to take part from this starting point. Earlier today I met this awesome man on the breakfast meeting. He stated that Auguste Comte was trying to shape social science to be more "science", which I can't agree more. I need to continue my study, in order to be able to take an integral part as a researcher or decision maker in this particular field; but I find it difficult to find any focused study if I came from a very general field of study. International Relations. I studied political economy, indeed. Political ecology also, but how exactly should I start from here. It remains mystery still. 

Anyways, that was first thing out of thousands I want to be thankful for.

Second.

I am now working (yay). As a communication officer in a Jakarta-based strategic consulting firm. We're now helping out the political election, a-once-in-5-years party of the nation. Well, our next RI-1 will be either Jokowi or Prabowo. It's up to our nation, do we prefer a grassroots-representative or a horse-riding-knight one? You choose, but one thing for sure. Make up your mind, please, people. Vote or else, it would be just like your absence in a huge party that you're aware of being invited. Something not to be missed, eh?

Third. 

I am no longer a Miss Airport or Diajeng Sleman. Those years were over, and now is the time for the younger ones to shine. Good luck guys! I know it's not just luck we all need. It takes passions, confidence, courage and performance all at once to be noticed. But, when you have the opportunity to spread your wings and take off, why glued to your comfort zone? You've gotta look around, check out the weather. Is it too cold so you need to share the summer breeze in you, or is it warm already so that people should be ready for your hotness? lol. You choose!

forth

fôrTH/

adverb

archaic

1. out from a starting point and forward or into view.

   "the plants will bush out, putting forth fresh shoots"

   synonyms:

   out, outside, away, off, ahead, forward, into view;

This is where I'm going to go from here. "Out from a starting point and forward or into view."

I have gotta move forward. Life indeed is a b*tch, but don't be one. Deal with it. It's not like you can escape anywhere from here, isn't it?

Oh, and Ramadan is soon! Insha Allah, we're going to meet again in the wonderful Eid Al-Fitr. 

That's another thing to be thankful for, among numerous other stuffs I can't name each of everything. 

엄마 정말로 사랑해요

It was exactly this card that was shown to me once I asked the tarot card reader three months ago.
"It means no one's gonna die. It's just saying that there is going to be a major change in your life, your family life."
This tarot card reader ain't a fortune teller, I was so unfortunate.
It, indeed, means death.

Back in the last week of August, things were way too bizzare more than I can explain. I insisted to went back home after two months spending a campus community service work in paradise. Seems like all the luck and happiness I had was running out and left me dry. The two months memory was a bliss, definitely not something you can expect from a community service work. Some parts were not so expected tho.
But, anyway, I insisted to went home. The hometown of mine was different with the town where I had to go for going back to university. This upcoming semester is going to determine everything, and I wasn't gonna waste anything. I will do great. Until this happened.
I was home, safe and sound, and as always I chose to go somewhere else with some fellows I was close with, or not. Going out every single day, without ever noticed something actually had changed and there would occur even bigger change.
After going away to other country for a sudden task in two days, I was home again. It was already the last day of August. Nothing seemed odd, and I had another dinner plan with my BFFs at eight p.m. So, I got changed to a short and Mom didn't really like to see me in this outfit.

"Take that off and go. You're not going to wander around in the kinda short you're wearing now."
I was confused. It was not even a micro-mini hotpants or sth. It's almost knee-length.
I decided to stay in the things I was wearing from the first place.
"I've gotta go now," I said. Mom looked so disappointed.

I hopped on to other place with this particular person after dinner. Midnight already passed.
A bit weird, she didn't call me out to ask why I was't home yet.
All I thought was, she understood. She must be.
If only I knew it was the last time I made her feel disappointed, I would've withdraw all my words I had told her.
Or even feel anything at all.

My mother was a blessing, best thing ever happened to me in my whole life. I've always loved her no matter what, and I know she did too. She never stopped telling everyone that she got her little prides had grown up. She never stopped joking and planning that she would come and see us all taking over this small world.
I remember clearly she promised me this one thing, that she will see me succeed.
I told myself, promised myself, that I am going to show her one thing she wanted to see; a successful daughter she raised all her life.

Mother, enjoy the trip. Don't worry, I'll be totally fine.
I love you so much more than anything.
I'm sorry for everything I've done wrong.
I love you.

This is the lyrics in english. 
Dear Mom -SNSD

I’m feeling tired today
Left alone in the room hugging a pillow
Touching my phone distracted my mind
It’s lonely to eat tonight

Suddenly, i was frightened by the ringing phone
my mom’s worried voice asked if i’ve eaten
these words annoyed me but today it’s different
The forgotten promises are remembered

I will be a person with pretty heart
And become a person who is selfless
I’ll keep the love of my mother’s wishes
I think of mother who used to share my dreams and brush my hair

Though I’ve made hurtful wrong choices
You silently watched over me from behind
But now I think more than an innocent child
The meaning of mom’s silent prayers

I will be a person with pretty heart
And become a person who is selfless
I’ll keep the love of my mother’s wishes
I think of mother who used to share my dreams and brush my hair

What will i do, yet my heart is small
Can I do better without holding mother’s hand

I’m afraid that it will still lack
I’ll be a wise daughter of my mom (Give me the courage)
I will be a proud daughter no matter where I go (You’ve been there for me)
I’ll keep the love of my mother’s wishes
I’ll show endless love
I’ll have a warm heart
I’m shy to express to mom

That I really love my mom

Massive Addiction.

A box of cigarettes which contained nicotine is undoubtedly making you addicted. One's done and yet your body craves for more and more toxic. You demand to be intoxicated. No need to think too much further, because you just know you're addicted and you just couldn't stop smoking.

Maybe, that's more or less what do I feel now. No, it's not about smoking neither cigarettes, more like what I feel presently toward someone so special. At least that's what I feel at the moment.

Here the story goes. It's not that we just met, but recently we met. Neither of us put anything we felt on stake, none of us wanted to expect even a slight feeling would be requited. We went on and on, wandering around each other and kept our very own deepest thoughts on the down low. We both knew, or maybe prejudiced that this isn't going to work out.

'Seize the moment,' we said, 'while both of us are here, before we separate like we used to be. We can be friends and things are going to be just fine.'

Hahaha,
do you know what's funny?
Aren't we just human, who's unpredictable ourselves and we're also not God who knows what's going to happen hereinafter? Why were we so sure that we can get over it easily, when actually being separated physically shouldn't be a problem at all?
Feeling isn't something we can control, baby. We never asked, never can deny. It was beautiful, it goes on, it's even becoming more beautiful.

Just like a smoker, he wishes he could stop but he craves for more and more and he lights up more and more and more because he's too addicted to it.
It wasn't because he was asking to be addicted, but the cigarette itself which is too addictive.


Well, what can I say? You're even way more addictive than that.
Chan rak ter, kit teung mak mak na.

นี่คือทำนองแห่งความหลังระหว่างเรา
ได้ยินเมื่อไรยิ่งนึกถึงวันเก่า
เนิ่นนานแค่ไหนแต่เพลงนี้ของเรา
ยังทุ้มอยู่ในใจ

เพลงแห่งความรักที่เธอร้องเป็นอย่างไร
วันที่เงียบเหงา เธอจะคิดถึงเพลงของใคร
ตั้งแต่จากกัน วันนี้เธอเป็นไง
ฉันอยากจะรู้

เมื่อนาฬิกามันไม่เคยขี้เกียจ
เดินและวันเวลาทำให้ทุกๆสิ่งเปลี่ยนไป
แต่ความทรงจำดีๆทุกอย่างยังคงเก็บไว้

ยังคงมีแต่เธอ เหมือนเดิมไม่เคยเปลี่ยน
ยังมีแต่เธอ เหมือนเดิมไม่เคยเปลี่ยนไป
ยิ่งเวลาอ้างว้างทีไร ในใจก็ยิ่งโหยหา
ยังคงมีบทเพลง ของเราเมื่อวันวาน
ได้ยินเมื่อไร หัวใจยังเป็นอย่างนี้

ให้เวลามันหมุนไปนานเป็นปี
แต่เพลงนี้ยังทุ้มในใจ
วันที่ความฝันมันไม่เห็นเป็นอย่างใจ
กระเจิดกระเจิง ผิดๆเพี้ยนๆกันไปใหญ่
เพียงแต่อย่างน้อย ฉันก็ยังชื่นใจ
ที่เคยมีเธอ
ต่อให้เราไม่พบไม่เจอเป็นปี
เพลงนี้ยังทุ้มในใจ

Toom Yoo Nai Jai by Jirayu Laongmanee --Ost Suckseed.

You can't read the lyrics? Neither can I. ^^

Just Random Thoughts.

Ainun Habibie became a serious major breakdown for me. a clumsy machinery mechanic, who had a huge dream to create a real vehicle, was in love with an innocent woman who will always be by his side.
I've heard of something similar, in a way that it turned out composing different story. Getting too much changes and distracted going on to herself, this girl finally lost what she used to grab.
Ages ago, she owned everything. Loyal lover, simplest happiness and laughter. Started with a single text that used to be ignored, started with a tiny hole in the classroom door and an afternoon glance on the schoolyard, things began to grow. Lonely hearts met by the destiny. A soccer ball was then witnessing how hard  that boy to try some juggling tricks. but she didn't care. She yet never knew that her willingness to wait for her friend to be picked up turned out being a love at the first sight. Okay, maybe not the first sight because she obviously had heard of the boy's popularity. He was vocal, not a hesitant speaker who will spit out everything that came inside his head. He might not be the most good-looking guy in the entire school but he's obviously the one that captured her attention.
This skinny girl, which known as his type, rolled her small eyes behind the glasses. A text was sent by the following night. With a help of a friend, hundreds texts came along after. Small excuses were made just to organize both eyes to met. Comic books were also one of those excuses.

I mean, who read comics in the exam week? Weird is when she couldn't even complain when he returned her comics which looked like it sunk together with a wrecked ship. Not even considered before that she will someday be able to let her things being treated differently, even herself was too.
Two weeks of wonders were passed, the exam was over. A thursday evening out was arranged. A gentleman picked her lady up, and she did see him coming to visit her while she was waiting for him in a friend's house, the same neighborhood close to his house.
That night she knew she met a gentleman, who will travel the whole world just to seek for everything she needs, who will close his eyes for every other options he might have gotten if he didn't choose her. But he did. An ace popped out from his simple card magic, draw a sincere smile on the girl's face. A smile that vanished in the following years.
Simple things used to make her helplessly smile a whole night long. It was hard for her to differ which one is day or night, when a mid-day felt like a dream. Dreams do come true, but so do nightmares too.
She changed. Maybe not changed, better said that her consciousness level grew bigger and became unstoppable. Indecisive, easily distracted and obsessive were once a way to define her that time. She forgot her own smiles, she forgot what she felt before.
Ironic, because when finally achieve something, people will stop doing what it took to get at the first place.

it might be, both of them forgot what they did as efforts. And she forgot that she had pointed her eyes on him and saying that he's the one. She forgot to try harder and he was no longer marking the same date monthly just to remind her how happy their days were.
Options were equal with consequences, opportunities are not things that come twice, and to be happy is actually simple. It doesn't need a princess to conquer a crowne prince's heart, because when both eyes met they would know that no other distractions matter. Cinderella never forgot how wonderful that night was, even it had to end when the bell rang. At least it had been a blissful story after all, even it has to end.
The boy can fight the world to try, while the girl can regret and cry, you feel your path is still unfinished and you keep mending and repairing, but fate will never change its mind. If it's meant to be, it will be.
Ainun never forgot the first days and first memories she composed with Habibie. She sacrificed her own needs just to let him achieve his dreams, while he never stop remembered that he got the best lady he ever met to be by his side, forever.

It was if only the universe say yes.
But if it's not, it might be not the end.
Just like a journey. You can keep walking and see more of fascinating places until you can't feel your feet, keep seeking, thought you won't stop, then you get tired. And one place you couldn't forget will always be remembered. Despite all other places that attract you, you will always come back.
No matter what.

Getaway and Flavonoid

I thought going through hard days and non-stop busy weekend will bring me to an endless desperation. Nothing would excite me, I won't have any energy left to be excited too. But, this moodboosting weekend changed by perception. 

So, on Saturday December 8th me and other +/-60 IR-UGM students (batch 2009-2012!) gathered on ɑ trip called RebaHI (Rekreasi bareng HI/a recreational trip with IR). Early in the morning, the whole members went to the first destination with ɑ bus: Jupiter paintball. 

Although I've never experienced any paintball match before, the match was really fun! My team which has Dodi, Azra, Didit and Delta even reached the semifinal round. and watching the final round was sugooi. I was kinda sure they were fighting on ɑ real battlefield! Oh catching-the-flag game was another thing too, bcs the flag they used was just ɑ black shirt -_- but it's fine tho.

After feeling so stupid because Guilford fooled me by saying the paintball venue was owned by his father, we went to the next destination. But yeah, I truly believed that his father was also there to be our judge for the match. They didn't even look alike! Hahaha. 

And we had two more things to catch. The bus headed south-east to Gunung Kidul while we ate lunch-box that was provided. I think I needed to decrease my fighting spirit when eating foods, feel like ɑ real soldier when seeing my meals unoccupied. 

Gunung Kidul was another regency in Jogja that's famous for its nature, it has huge areas of mountains, white-sand beaches and (this is it) caves! Our next activities of the day would be cave-tubing and river-tubing which were going through cave and river by using ɑ single tube for each person. Putting on ɑ life-vest and plastic shoes on and we're ready to have some fun. 

Goa Pindul used to only be ɑ batcave but as the people lived in the village around saw the river that flown inside as an opportunity, they invited ɑ cave tubing to be sold. The trip was around half an hour, and we were divided into groups consisted of 8 persons each. 

It wasn't the main attraction until we felt like sailing on our own tubes through ɑ real river for more than an hour. 

We reached the Oyo River using pick-up trucks and queueing to be thrown into water. Whoaaa so exciting, some of us made someone else's tube went upside-down just to make the person shocked hahaha. And you know what came after? ɑ 10-metres jump! So we climbed up the rocks and then jump off to the river. Best-feeling ever, don't you think so? Feels like all the bad things just went off along the way. I felt so excited to be able to swim in ɑ real river, then showered by the real pouring rain until the edge. We head back with the same trucks and I sat on the edge to just feel the wind (and sadly, tree branches also!) on my face.

After taking shower, we ordered meatball soup which is also famous at the place too. Oishii desu yo? 

I spent all the trip back just to chat with Dudit-Azra and to sleep. Oh, surprisingly both of them born at the same time (I mean May 15th 1993), so funny. Then I was knocked out and oversleeping the whole way back. 

Reaching the campus by evening and we saw ourselves being ɑ part of Fisipol UGM Dies Natalis. Lots of foods again there. Well, consider it as the perfect closing of the day. But weird tho, no drink was found during the night. 

By the end of the day, I've found myself munching ɑ huge pile of chocolates.  You will never know how good the works of flavonoid till you realized waking up on the Sunday noon. The day was nothing but blessing. Turns out all I need just ɑ getaway, some fun, sleeps and chocolates. 

Thanks God, Depor HI UGM & HI UGM 2009-12. 

☺ 

Galau Akademik

Today I walked through ɑ heavy rain. I didn't mind having all my jeans wet until I saw these spacious lands in front of me were all covered by ɑ small flood. It haunted me right away. Today I realized that I have ɑ phobia on something I couldn't measure. 

I had no idea on how high the flood would be. I just walked pass and ran toward it. I was afraid tho of it, and of everything else that was also unpredictable too. 

This is where I am, Jogja. ɑ student city, they said, where best upcoming graduates of the country struggle for making excellent records upon their capabilites. I'm also walking on the same path, to my self-constructed utopian world called future.

I still remember the day when I got accepted in this university, ɑ midnight quality time with my laptop in my parents' bedroom. Excited, and grateful until my mom thought it was ɑ joke if I ever want to seriously consider living away even to pursue ɑ better academic life. 

Thousands of other applicants wished to walk in my shoes now. International relations studies used to be ɑ huge deal for social-science students all over the country. I had no idea why, it might be because it's already hard to repair domestic conditions that Indonesians have to deal with now. It would even harder to work on our relations to the outside world.

To be connected with something new, something far or even something huge is always fascinating for me. I used to be (or still am) an idealist who wants something better that cost anything even if it's out of my reach. But now at this point I feel lost.

I fear failure, which counts as unpredictable thing too. I fear something I can't measure, something endless where I can do nothing about. So is my academic career at this very moment. As an idealistic scholar I need to do the best which I don't know how exactly. 

All of us are racing with time and competing with our own idealism. Whether we want it to run fast or best, I don't know. But the thing is, I'm now looking at ɑ top of hill without strength to climb up. 

Do I have time left? Or, can I? No one knows, not even me. 

Chances, opportunities, or fates are what has been screwing my head lately. I'm competing against something invisible but also very strong. The question is, do I want to be the ambitious winner or just stare at other fighters by sitting still on my couch. I know, I have to struggle. I am now looking back at the day when I knew I would gamble my whole capabilities in this town. I have paid for all other opportunities to stand proud someday in the graduation. I want to tell my children ɑ heroic story to remember. At this point, ɑ challenge is only to be cracked down to pieces. We can, I can. Those piles of workload are just presents the professors gave us. Someday we are going to miss these days when we have no time to sleep properly and worry in last minutes before the deadline. Being a nocturnal deadliner sometimes can be fun, but why procrastinate if things can be done faster? (this part is easier said than done obviously)

Well, an old-school quotation told us to do the best while I say we need more courages. We have lived our own options, why give up then? Or else, just cut it off and do nothing instead.

 

Just like the floods I was feared of today, walk pass through it and you would look back saying: I won against you. Then smile and go on. There are going to be other problems in life. 

So, don't get stuck and never walk in someone else's shoes. If it doesn't fit it hurts, you know. :)

Do you know that feeling when you just want to sleep forever till the things get back to how it used to be? When your expectations are ruined, and the thunder strikes right when it was not raining.

It was not raining at all, that day. 
and it just happened like out of nowhere.
This isn't world I'm goin through. It is a hell.

Takut?

Ini retorika terbesar yang ada di benak gue sekarang. Munafik kalo bilang nggak, tapi ini momen langka: takut sekaligus seneng.
Pertama kalinya dalam hidup, gue yang bebel ini bener-bener pasrah. Gue yang persis robot dan uptight (sebenernya sih aslinya begitu) diserang gelombang ekstrim yang bikin semuanya kacau balau.
Tapi coba pikir deh.
Robot yang berjalan sama terus ga akan pernah tau sampe mana batas resistensinya. Robot ini nyaman, tapi apa? Apakah berkembang? Dia akan stagnan.
Tapi juga sebaliknya, suatu hari dia akan rusak karena terus dipaksa bekerja di luar kapasitas dia. Cuma satu caranya: kinerjanya diimprove. Kalo ga gitu, kapan kita tau di mana kurangnya?
Katanya, we live to the fullest.
Di saat badai, rumah yang tadinya kokoh sekalipun bisa hancur. Saat itulah semuanya harus ditata ulang, karena cari rumah baru pun rasanya ga akan sama.

It's home, where you go back.
It's the nest, where birds belong.
It's the ocean, where flowing water goes to.

A wise man said, he's my safeguard and it was bothering a lot.
The world's keep turning, so here I am. It might be, now is the time to feel being you. This ain't easy and never easy.
And I'm sorry but just so you know: I have a HUGE reason why I always came back as I did.
Anyway, you also can go back home anytime.

Kalo kata The Script sih gini:


"And I wish you could give me the cold shoulder
And I wish you could still give me a hard time
And I wish I could still wish it was over
But even if wishing is a waste of time 
Even if I never cross your mind

I'll leave the door on the latch 
If you ever come back if you ever come back
There'll be a light in the hall and a key under the mat 
If you ever come back"


- If You Ever Come Back.