엄마 정말로 사랑해요

It was exactly this card that was shown to me once I asked the tarot card reader three months ago.
"It means no one's gonna die. It's just saying that there is going to be a major change in your life, your family life."
This tarot card reader ain't a fortune teller, I was so unfortunate.
It, indeed, means death.

Back in the last week of August, things were way too bizzare more than I can explain. I insisted to went back home after two months spending a campus community service work in paradise. Seems like all the luck and happiness I had was running out and left me dry. The two months memory was a bliss, definitely not something you can expect from a community service work. Some parts were not so expected tho.
But, anyway, I insisted to went home. The hometown of mine was different with the town where I had to go for going back to university. This upcoming semester is going to determine everything, and I wasn't gonna waste anything. I will do great. Until this happened.
I was home, safe and sound, and as always I chose to go somewhere else with some fellows I was close with, or not. Going out every single day, without ever noticed something actually had changed and there would occur even bigger change.
After going away to other country for a sudden task in two days, I was home again. It was already the last day of August. Nothing seemed odd, and I had another dinner plan with my BFFs at eight p.m. So, I got changed to a short and Mom didn't really like to see me in this outfit.

"Take that off and go. You're not going to wander around in the kinda short you're wearing now."
I was confused. It was not even a micro-mini hotpants or sth. It's almost knee-length.
I decided to stay in the things I was wearing from the first place.
"I've gotta go now," I said. Mom looked so disappointed.

I hopped on to other place with this particular person after dinner. Midnight already passed.
A bit weird, she didn't call me out to ask why I was't home yet.
All I thought was, she understood. She must be.
If only I knew it was the last time I made her feel disappointed, I would've withdraw all my words I had told her.
Or even feel anything at all.

My mother was a blessing, best thing ever happened to me in my whole life. I've always loved her no matter what, and I know she did too. She never stopped telling everyone that she got her little prides had grown up. She never stopped joking and planning that she would come and see us all taking over this small world.
I remember clearly she promised me this one thing, that she will see me succeed.
I told myself, promised myself, that I am going to show her one thing she wanted to see; a successful daughter she raised all her life.

Mother, enjoy the trip. Don't worry, I'll be totally fine.
I love you so much more than anything.
I'm sorry for everything I've done wrong.
I love you.

This is the lyrics in english. 
Dear Mom -SNSD

I’m feeling tired today
Left alone in the room hugging a pillow
Touching my phone distracted my mind
It’s lonely to eat tonight

Suddenly, i was frightened by the ringing phone
my mom’s worried voice asked if i’ve eaten
these words annoyed me but today it’s different
The forgotten promises are remembered

I will be a person with pretty heart
And become a person who is selfless
I’ll keep the love of my mother’s wishes
I think of mother who used to share my dreams and brush my hair

Though I’ve made hurtful wrong choices
You silently watched over me from behind
But now I think more than an innocent child
The meaning of mom’s silent prayers

I will be a person with pretty heart
And become a person who is selfless
I’ll keep the love of my mother’s wishes
I think of mother who used to share my dreams and brush my hair

What will i do, yet my heart is small
Can I do better without holding mother’s hand

I’m afraid that it will still lack
I’ll be a wise daughter of my mom (Give me the courage)
I will be a proud daughter no matter where I go (You’ve been there for me)
I’ll keep the love of my mother’s wishes
I’ll show endless love
I’ll have a warm heart
I’m shy to express to mom

That I really love my mom

Massive Addiction.

A box of cigarettes which contained nicotine is undoubtedly making you addicted. One's done and yet your body craves for more and more toxic. You demand to be intoxicated. No need to think too much further, because you just know you're addicted and you just couldn't stop smoking.

Maybe, that's more or less what do I feel now. No, it's not about smoking neither cigarettes, more like what I feel presently toward someone so special. At least that's what I feel at the moment.

Here the story goes. It's not that we just met, but recently we met. Neither of us put anything we felt on stake, none of us wanted to expect even a slight feeling would be requited. We went on and on, wandering around each other and kept our very own deepest thoughts on the down low. We both knew, or maybe prejudiced that this isn't going to work out.

'Seize the moment,' we said, 'while both of us are here, before we separate like we used to be. We can be friends and things are going to be just fine.'

Hahaha,
do you know what's funny?
Aren't we just human, who's unpredictable ourselves and we're also not God who knows what's going to happen hereinafter? Why were we so sure that we can get over it easily, when actually being separated physically shouldn't be a problem at all?
Feeling isn't something we can control, baby. We never asked, never can deny. It was beautiful, it goes on, it's even becoming more beautiful.

Just like a smoker, he wishes he could stop but he craves for more and more and he lights up more and more and more because he's too addicted to it.
It wasn't because he was asking to be addicted, but the cigarette itself which is too addictive.


Well, what can I say? You're even way more addictive than that.
Chan rak ter, kit teung mak mak na.

นี่คือทำนองแห่งความหลังระหว่างเรา
ได้ยินเมื่อไรยิ่งนึกถึงวันเก่า
เนิ่นนานแค่ไหนแต่เพลงนี้ของเรา
ยังทุ้มอยู่ในใจ

เพลงแห่งความรักที่เธอร้องเป็นอย่างไร
วันที่เงียบเหงา เธอจะคิดถึงเพลงของใคร
ตั้งแต่จากกัน วันนี้เธอเป็นไง
ฉันอยากจะรู้

เมื่อนาฬิกามันไม่เคยขี้เกียจ
เดินและวันเวลาทำให้ทุกๆสิ่งเปลี่ยนไป
แต่ความทรงจำดีๆทุกอย่างยังคงเก็บไว้

ยังคงมีแต่เธอ เหมือนเดิมไม่เคยเปลี่ยน
ยังมีแต่เธอ เหมือนเดิมไม่เคยเปลี่ยนไป
ยิ่งเวลาอ้างว้างทีไร ในใจก็ยิ่งโหยหา
ยังคงมีบทเพลง ของเราเมื่อวันวาน
ได้ยินเมื่อไร หัวใจยังเป็นอย่างนี้

ให้เวลามันหมุนไปนานเป็นปี
แต่เพลงนี้ยังทุ้มในใจ
วันที่ความฝันมันไม่เห็นเป็นอย่างใจ
กระเจิดกระเจิง ผิดๆเพี้ยนๆกันไปใหญ่
เพียงแต่อย่างน้อย ฉันก็ยังชื่นใจ
ที่เคยมีเธอ
ต่อให้เราไม่พบไม่เจอเป็นปี
เพลงนี้ยังทุ้มในใจ

Toom Yoo Nai Jai by Jirayu Laongmanee --Ost Suckseed.

You can't read the lyrics? Neither can I. ^^

Just Random Thoughts.

Ainun Habibie became a serious major breakdown for me. a clumsy machinery mechanic, who had a huge dream to create a real vehicle, was in love with an innocent woman who will always be by his side.
I've heard of something similar, in a way that it turned out composing different story. Getting too much changes and distracted going on to herself, this girl finally lost what she used to grab.
Ages ago, she owned everything. Loyal lover, simplest happiness and laughter. Started with a single text that used to be ignored, started with a tiny hole in the classroom door and an afternoon glance on the schoolyard, things began to grow. Lonely hearts met by the destiny. A soccer ball was then witnessing how hard  that boy to try some juggling tricks. but she didn't care. She yet never knew that her willingness to wait for her friend to be picked up turned out being a love at the first sight. Okay, maybe not the first sight because she obviously had heard of the boy's popularity. He was vocal, not a hesitant speaker who will spit out everything that came inside his head. He might not be the most good-looking guy in the entire school but he's obviously the one that captured her attention.
This skinny girl, which known as his type, rolled her small eyes behind the glasses. A text was sent by the following night. With a help of a friend, hundreds texts came along after. Small excuses were made just to organize both eyes to met. Comic books were also one of those excuses.

I mean, who read comics in the exam week? Weird is when she couldn't even complain when he returned her comics which looked like it sunk together with a wrecked ship. Not even considered before that she will someday be able to let her things being treated differently, even herself was too.
Two weeks of wonders were passed, the exam was over. A thursday evening out was arranged. A gentleman picked her lady up, and she did see him coming to visit her while she was waiting for him in a friend's house, the same neighborhood close to his house.
That night she knew she met a gentleman, who will travel the whole world just to seek for everything she needs, who will close his eyes for every other options he might have gotten if he didn't choose her. But he did. An ace popped out from his simple card magic, draw a sincere smile on the girl's face. A smile that vanished in the following years.
Simple things used to make her helplessly smile a whole night long. It was hard for her to differ which one is day or night, when a mid-day felt like a dream. Dreams do come true, but so do nightmares too.
She changed. Maybe not changed, better said that her consciousness level grew bigger and became unstoppable. Indecisive, easily distracted and obsessive were once a way to define her that time. She forgot her own smiles, she forgot what she felt before.
Ironic, because when finally achieve something, people will stop doing what it took to get at the first place.

it might be, both of them forgot what they did as efforts. And she forgot that she had pointed her eyes on him and saying that he's the one. She forgot to try harder and he was no longer marking the same date monthly just to remind her how happy their days were.
Options were equal with consequences, opportunities are not things that come twice, and to be happy is actually simple. It doesn't need a princess to conquer a crowne prince's heart, because when both eyes met they would know that no other distractions matter. Cinderella never forgot how wonderful that night was, even it had to end when the bell rang. At least it had been a blissful story after all, even it has to end.
The boy can fight the world to try, while the girl can regret and cry, you feel your path is still unfinished and you keep mending and repairing, but fate will never change its mind. If it's meant to be, it will be.
Ainun never forgot the first days and first memories she composed with Habibie. She sacrificed her own needs just to let him achieve his dreams, while he never stop remembered that he got the best lady he ever met to be by his side, forever.

It was if only the universe say yes.
But if it's not, it might be not the end.
Just like a journey. You can keep walking and see more of fascinating places until you can't feel your feet, keep seeking, thought you won't stop, then you get tired. And one place you couldn't forget will always be remembered. Despite all other places that attract you, you will always come back.
No matter what.