Today I walked through ɑ heavy rain. I didn't mind having all my jeans wet until I saw these spacious lands in front of me were all covered by ɑ small flood. It haunted me right away. Today I realized that I have ɑ phobia on something I couldn't measure.
I had no idea on how high the flood would be. I just walked pass and ran toward it. I was afraid tho of it, and of everything else that was also unpredictable too.
This is where I am, Jogja. ɑ student city, they said, where best upcoming graduates of the country struggle for making excellent records upon their capabilites. I'm also walking on the same path, to my self-constructed utopian world called future.
I still remember the day when I got accepted in this university, ɑ midnight quality time with my laptop in my parents' bedroom. Excited, and grateful until my mom thought it was ɑ joke if I ever want to seriously consider living away even to pursue ɑ better academic life.
Thousands of other applicants wished to walk in my shoes now. International relations studies used to be ɑ huge deal for social-science students all over the country. I had no idea why, it might be because it's already hard to repair domestic conditions that Indonesians have to deal with now. It would even harder to work on our relations to the outside world.
To be connected with something new, something far or even something huge is always fascinating for me. I used to be (or still am) an idealist who wants something better that cost anything even if it's out of my reach. But now at this point I feel lost.
I fear failure, which counts as unpredictable thing too. I fear something I can't measure, something endless where I can do nothing about. So is my academic career at this very moment. As an idealistic scholar I need to do the best which I don't know how exactly.
All of us are racing with time and competing with our own idealism. Whether we want it to run fast or best, I don't know. But the thing is, I'm now looking at ɑ top of hill without strength to climb up.
Do I have time left? Or, can I? No one knows, not even me.
Chances, opportunities, or fates are what has been screwing my head lately. I'm competing against something invisible but also very strong. The question is, do I want to be the ambitious winner or just stare at other fighters by sitting still on my couch. I know, I have to struggle. I am now looking back at the day when I knew I would gamble my whole capabilities in this town. I have paid for all other opportunities to stand proud someday in the graduation. I want to tell my children ɑ heroic story to remember. At this point, ɑ challenge is only to be cracked down to pieces. We can, I can. Those piles of workload are just presents the professors gave us. Someday we are going to miss these days when we have no time to sleep properly and worry in last minutes before the deadline. Being a nocturnal deadliner sometimes can be fun, but why procrastinate if things can be done faster? (this part is easier said than done obviously)
Well, an old-school quotation told us to do the best while I say we need more courages. We have lived our own options, why give up then? Or else, just cut it off and do nothing instead.
Just like the floods I was feared of today, walk pass through it and you would look back saying: I won against you. Then smile and go on. There are going to be other problems in life.