Thursday, December 6, 2012

Galau Akademik


Today I walked through ɑ heavy rain. I didn't mind having all my jeans wet until I saw these spacious lands in front of me were all covered by ɑ small flood. It haunted me right away. Today I realized that I have ɑ phobia on something I couldn't measure. 
I had no idea on how high the flood would be. I just walked pass and ran toward it. I was afraid tho of it, and of everything else that was also unpredictable too. 
This is where I am, Jogja. ɑ student city, they said, where best upcoming graduates of the country struggle for making excellent records upon their capabilites. I'm also walking on the same path, to my self-constructed utopian world called future.
I still remember the day when I got accepted in this university, ɑ midnight quality time with my laptop in my parents' bedroom. Excited, and grateful until my mom thought it was ɑ joke if I ever want to seriously consider living away even to pursue ɑ better academic life. 
Thousands of other applicants wished to walk in my shoes now. International relations studies used to be ɑ huge deal for social-science students all over the country. I had no idea why, it might be because it's already hard to repair domestic conditions that Indonesians have to deal with now. It would even harder to work on our relations to the outside world.
To be connected with something new, something far or even something huge is always fascinating for me. I used to be (or still am) an idealist who wants something better that cost anything even if it's out of my reach. But now at this point I feel lost.
I fear failure, which counts as unpredictable thing too. I fear something I can't measure, something endless where I can do nothing about. So is my academic career at this very moment. As an idealistic scholar I need to do the best which I don't know how exactly. 
All of us are racing with time and competing with our own idealism. Whether we want it to run fast or best, I don't know. But the thing is, I'm now looking at ɑ top of hill without strength to climb up. 
Do I have time left? Or, can I? No one knows, not even me. 
Chances, opportunities, or fates are what has been screwing my head lately. I'm competing against something invisible but also very strong. The question is, do I want to be the ambitious winner or just stare at other fighters by sitting still on my couch. I know, I have to struggle. I am now looking back at the day when I knew I would gamble my whole capabilities in this town. I have paid for all other opportunities to stand proud someday in the graduation. I want to tell my children ɑ heroic story to remember. At this point, ɑ challenge is only to be cracked down to pieces. We can, I can. Those piles of workload are just presents the professors gave us. Someday we are going to miss these days when we have no time to sleep properly and worry in last minutes before the deadline. Being a nocturnal deadliner sometimes can be fun, but why procrastinate if things can be done faster? (this part is easier said than done obviously)
Well, an old-school quotation told us to do the best while I say we need more courages. We have lived our own options, why give up then? Or else, just cut it off and do nothing instead.
 
Just like the floods I was feared of today, walk pass through it and you would look back saying: I won against you. Then smile and go on. There are going to be other problems in life. 
So, don't get stuck and never walk in someone else's shoes. If it doesn't fit it hurts, you know. :)

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Do you know that feeling when you just want to sleep forever till the things get back to how it used to be? When your expectations are ruined, and the thunder strikes right when it was not raining.



It was not raining at all, that day. 
and it just happened like out of nowhere.
This isn't world I'm goin through. It is a hell.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Takut?

Ini retorika terbesar yang ada di benak gue sekarang. Munafik kalo bilang nggak, tapi ini momen langka: takut sekaligus seneng.
Pertama kalinya dalam hidup, gue yang bebel ini bener-bener pasrah. Gue yang persis robot dan uptight (sebenernya sih aslinya begitu) diserang gelombang ekstrim yang bikin semuanya kacau balau.
Tapi coba pikir deh.
Robot yang berjalan sama terus ga akan pernah tau sampe mana batas resistensinya. Robot ini nyaman, tapi apa? Apakah berkembang? Dia akan stagnan.
Tapi juga sebaliknya, suatu hari dia akan rusak karena terus dipaksa bekerja di luar kapasitas dia. Cuma satu caranya: kinerjanya diimprove. Kalo ga gitu, kapan kita tau di mana kurangnya?
Katanya, we live to the fullest.
Di saat badai, rumah yang tadinya kokoh sekalipun bisa hancur. Saat itulah semuanya harus ditata ulang, karena cari rumah baru pun rasanya ga akan sama.

It's home, where you go back.
It's the nest, where birds belong.
It's the ocean, where flowing water goes to.

A wise man said, he's my safeguard and it was bothering a lot.
The world's keep turning, so here I am. It might be, now is the time to feel being you. This ain't easy and never easy.
And I'm sorry but just so you know: I have a HUGE reason why I always came back as I did.
Anyway, you also can go back home anytime.

Kalo kata The Script sih gini:


"And I wish you could give me the cold shoulder
And I wish you could still give me a hard time
And I wish I could still wish it was over
But even if wishing is a waste of time 
Even if I never cross your mind

I'll leave the door on the latch 
If you ever come back if you ever come back
There'll be a light in the hall and a key under the mat 
If you ever come back"



- If You Ever Come Back.

Friday, June 22, 2012

They say love is letting loose, letting go. Here I am, loving you in quite a distance. And stay forever. Universe will know, as God listens that if we believe it is, then it is. I can see it in your eyes, as you can see in mine that nothing's changed and it's still there. It just burned under, and there needs to be effort to dig it back, ours.
They say, you say, true love is meant to be.
So, let's just see.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

E.T.: Are They or arent They?

Extraterrestrial issues recently attracted me. Not forget to mention that I just completed the third Supernova: Partikel and watched Men in Black III. If the ms word could be my analogy, those two sources just made my thought became BOLD.
I never believed in supranatural lives before, but ever since cropcircle issues strike our society, I knew they're out there. One day when the first time I learned about galaxies, the first thing crossed my mind was: "It's not real. the earth might be round but planets? are you kidding me?"
If I lived hundred years earlier, I could be included in those church people who against Galileo Galilei. Yes, I can guess he was seen mocking Pope and church for being conventional. People just need to be open-minded don't they?
I just don't believe things without reasons. Chemical science for me, for example, is an irrational and unseen one. That's why I got 68 on my score sheet 5 years ago.
Well, it just the matter of science, doesn't have anything to do with God or religion thingy. They're separated. Aliens might have lives alike us, or similar presence and appearance. They just live parallel with us, separated by ultra-heavy energy out there called atmosphere. Or, earth might be too hot for them, or anything. I have no idea at the moment, I just can feel they're out there. It could be, both (or more) of our technologies are racing in which can reach each other earlier. They might made it, but lack of evidence makes it doubtful. Plus, conservative people think way too narrow and stuck in wherever they are.
It might be someday, we'll get to know each other. Aliens or us, either one will find a way to adjust themselves and meet up with other 'societies'.

Wait until I watch 'Prometheus'. I heard they got something interesting.

Friday, June 15, 2012


It's been a while since I haven't really lived life to the fullest. I have no idea how to settle down and sit back, relax while seeing things happen around. I live like a robot, self-driven machine. Or society victim, or anything you name it. I don't know what do I seek, what I want. Well, no one actually knows and it goes on. Is it too much if I ask for perfection?
I'm a virgo, never blame me for that.
Let's say, when I'm in love or simply deciding to choose goods, I'd think and consider lots of other things. Which sometimes won't make it better.

A question arised:
How am I going to feel that again? 
Feel alive, let loose, have fun?


As we became older, those three things are hard and harder to get without booze.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Personality Profile

Personality Profile of muthiah

Bye bye 2011!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
Yep, it's the 4th day of the new calendar, the first week of the new year. Not that I want to rewind, but I am going to refresh the memories I had about what was happening throughout last year. 2011 was a tough, long, yet a year that exceeded my expectations.
It was my second year living away from home. Education was my only reason to moved to Jogja, and now I can find a thousand more reasons to still love the city. It helps me grow.

Well, I learnt a lot in 2011. Indecisive me had to learn how to choose between hard options. I learnt how to take risk and when to not take one. I learnt to let go what doesn't fit to me. Yep, 2011 taught me a lot.

A few highlight should be placed on certain dates of the year. The first one should be on May when I tried to participate in the search of regional miss tourism of the province (Putri Pariwisata DIY). Really shocked when I knew I was selected as one of the finalists. I missed a couple opportunities when I chose this but it was worth the price. The selection was a brief start to few things that followed after. 

Yeah of course BALI will be my next highlight of the memories. Since it was one of the best holiday I've ever had (lol but true). It was a perfect 8-days-escape: Bestfriends, Parties, Beaches, Freedom, Shopping, Summer,  Watersport, Spa and Boyf :). I miss each of every second we spent and glad to repeat planning another one this year. 

I also joined a couple activities that (finally) defined me as an IR student. The first one was Indonesia MUN in University of Indonesia last October and the second was UNESCO Youth Forum: : Looking Beyond Disaster in Christchurch, New Zealand on December. Both were so fun and enlightening, I met marvelous people, learnt a lot of lessons and definitely made good character building. I will tell you the report from each events when I got some time.

Overall, thanks to you 2011. You taught us lots of lessons but I have to step on to the next level, next year and upcoming challenges. I do have new year resolutions but can't tell you what! :p 
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye 2011. I hope there's no zombie outbreak or doom's day this year but joy and another life lessons to get. 

(p.s.: only one 2011 resolutions that's accomplished, to not eat chicken anymore. :o)

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Unexpected way to travel (I)

Aku mau berbagi pengalaman aneh yang terjadi hari Minggu (6/11) lalu. Here the story goes.

Mengejar UTS di hari Senin kemarin, harusnya aku kembali ke Jogja hari Minggu pagi naik kereta. Tapi karena kebetulan hari Minggu bertepatan dengan Idul Adha, aku nggak diizinkan pulang pagi. Nggak ada feeling apa-apa saat aku memesan tiket jam lima sore itu, selain aku memang kurang mempercayai kualitas maskapainya. Aku berangkat ke bandara cukup awal, sejak pukul tiga. Sejenak, aku mampir di terminal 3 untuk mengklaim Victorinox yang sempat disita dulu. Setelahnya, aku bergegas ke terminal 1 untuk check in dan seperti biasa, menunggu pesawat yang delayed. Masih juga tidak ada perasaan apa-apa saat pesawat hanya bergeming selama hampir sejam di landasan, karena lazim bagi mereka untuk saling tunggu giliran lepas landas. Bahkan, aku masih juga positive thinking saat satu-satunya pemandangan di luar jendela adalah petir yang menyambar-nyambar langit hitam. Kuasa Tuhan, pikirku.

Tapi aku tidak bisa tidur, aku yang biasanya selalu mengantuk malah tidak bisa tidur. Lagipula, penerbangan dari Jakarta ke Jogja kan cuma memakan waktu 45 menit sampai sejam. Tentu tidak akan terasa lama jika dilalui dengan membaca majalah, 'kan? Tapi waktu selama itu belum juga membuat kami mendarat di Jogja, aku bahkan tidak tahu sudah jam berapa saat aku berpikir demikian.

Kemudian benar saja, suara pilot mulai bergema di telinga kami, katanya lampu landasan di bandara Adisucipto mati dan sedang berusaha diperbaiki. Pesawat telah berputar-putar selama dua puluh menit dan diperkirakan akan mendarat lima belas menit lagi. Wah, bukan deg-degan lagi perasaanku waktu itu. Reputasi maskapai yang kerap kecelakaan ditambah fakta demikian membuat berbagai kemungkinan berkecamuk di kepalaku. Mungkin aku harus belajar mengenakan pelampung, atau mencari letak tombol kantung oksigen, atau apapun yang akan membantu kalau terjadi apa-apa. Semoga saja tidak terjadi apa-apa.

Lima menit, sepuluh menit, lima belas menit, bahkan lebih, pesawat belum juga terbang merendah. Aku berusaha tetap tenang. Pilot kemudian mengumumkan lagi, berita yang membuat seisi pesawat shock. Dalam waktu sepuluh menit, pesawat akan mendarat di bandara Juanda, Surabaya. Semua bingung, semua bertanya-tanya "kenapa bukan Solo? bla bla bla...." dan barulah esoknya aku tahu kalau bandara Solo yang tergolong kecil ditutup setelah pukul tujuh malam tiba. Tapi intinya, malam itu kami harus transit dulu di bandara Juanda.

Aku sudah dijanjikan akan dijemput, sedangkan aku mendarat di Juanda pada pukul sepuluh malam yang artinya mungkin aku telah ditunggu selama empat jam. Benar saja, pacarku yang baik sekali itu masih berada di bandara dalam keadaan panik karena pesawatku tidak ada kabar. Info terakhir yang aku dapatkan dari dia adalah bandara Jogja telah ditutup sampai besok pagi (7/11).
Ada lebih dari tiga pesawat yang dialihkan ke Juanda int'l airport, tanpa kabar dari maskapai yang tidak responsif padahal kami sudah tahu tidak mungkin ada penerbangan malam itu ke Jogja. Kabar yang ada tidak pasti, informasi tidak jelas. Kami dibuat berputar keluar dan masuk ruang tunggu sampai sebagian dari kami protes keras, menuntut pertanggungjawaban. Akhirnya, kami diminta turun keluar bandara untuk menunggu bus maskapai (yang jumlahnya cuma 2 bus kecil untuk penumpang 3 pesawat) yang bolak-balik mengantar kami dari bandara ke hotel. Tidak ada makanan kompensasi bagi kami sampai saat itu, beberapa terpaksa membeli sendiri. Tidak profesional, pikirku. Berani-beraninya mereka menjanjikan hidangan jika pesawat delay, yang begini saja mereka tidak mau rugi.
Menunggu bus memakan waktu yang sangaaaaat lama, mereka pikir waktu bisa diulang, mungkin. Saat itulah aku kenalan dengan mahasiswi FH UGM 2008, mahasiswa S2 UGM dan seorang ibu yang doyan marah-marah. Ibu ini kesal dengan pasangan asal Kolombia yang duduk di depannya, ia bilang "mereka bikin film di depan saya, pasti mereka tuh yang bikin kita sial kayak gini". Kami bertiga hanya bisa tertawa sopan, sambil sebenarnya memikirkan si Ibu mungkin lupa ini sudah tahun 2011. Si ibu cerita, dia mengantar suaminya pulang ke Jogja yang bapaknya meninggal dan tidak akan dimakamkan sebelum si suami pulang. Rombongan mereka berisi enam orang, yang semuanya kesal karena dikiranya naik pesawat akan sampai lebih cepat. Aku lupa mahasiswa S2 itu mau apa, tapi anak FH yang kutemui juga ternyata mengejar jadwal UTS pagi sama sepertiku, sama seperti beberapa anak dengan jaket fakultas teknik yang ada di dekat kami juga (aku mencuri dengar).
Aku dan anak FH yang aku lupa namanya ini menginap dalam kamar yang sama dengan seorang ibu separuh baya dan anaknya yang mungkin sudah tiga puluhan. Mereka juga rupanya mau melayat. Aku juga baru tahu belakangan kalau anaknya dulu adalah lulusan Sosiatri Fisipol UGM tahun 1987. Lama juga ya, aku saja belum lahir.
Anyway, kami bangun pagi jam 4, sarapan, lalu langsung naik bus (aku masuk bus pertama, lho) dan langsung boarding saat itu juga sekitar jam setengah enam pagi. Saat itu aku sudah punya teman baru lagi, Art (Bapak berusia 40an asal Amerika) dan seorang guru sekolah internasional di Jakarta. Mungkin usianya baru dua atau tiga puluhan, gayanya asik, sulit dipercayai kalau dia itu guru secondary school sekaligus privat. Wajahnya persis Jackie Chan, tapi lebih tampan dan lebih pendek. Kami bertiga duduk bersama sekaligus mengobrol banyak. Topik kami yang paling seru mungkin saat bicara politik AS, beruntung aku mempelajarinya sekarang di kuliah sehingga aku bisa sekalian bertanya-tanya. Ia adalah penggemar cultural sites yang rela travelling overseas ke India, Kamboja, Thailand dan Indonesia hanya untuk melihat candi yang bahkan sering dilupakan masyarakat kita sendiri. Ironis. Ia bahkan rela pergi sendiri tanpa ditemani istri dan putri 15 tahunnya yang tidak betah travelling. Katanya, makanan di Asia enak-enak. Hal menarik yang aku tahu darinya adalah bahwa awalnya ia mengira kalau masyarakat Indonesia masih primitif. "I never know that people here use blackberry and so computerized," 
Primitif? Memang beberapa suku di Indonesia masih berkeadaan demikian, bahkan perempuannya banyak yang masih tidak berpakaian. Tapi kan bukan seisi Indonesia seperti itu. Ternyata pengetahuan negara lain tentang Indonesia masih sangat minim, mengingat temanku, Erin Gough, dari New Zealand yang tergolong dekat pun tidak tahu banyak soal Indonesia. Kasihan ya, negara sebesar dan seindah ini harus begitu saja dikira orang masih primitif dan antah-berantah. Sebegitu sulitnyakah eksis di dunia internasional?
Kami sharing tentang banyak hal, sampai isu moral kami angkat. Art tahu kalau pandangan orang Indonesia tentang moral masih sangat ekstrim. Ia bisa menebak pasangan Kolombia tadi pasti dianggap menyimpang. Nah, kalau si guru ini cerita bagaimana menyenangkannya mengajar namun sulit baginya untuk berhadapan dengan murid sekolah internasional yang ia katakan cenderung arogan.
'They know that they have powerful parents and they have their own business to run, so they won't have to think about education.'
Obrolan kami dari seru beranjak melelahkan karena lagi-lagi pesawat tak kunjung mendarat. Pesawat sempat terlihat merendah menembus awan namun ia menukik naik lagi setelah beberapa saat. Pemandangan di jendela hanya menyisakan kabut tebal putih yang pekat mengaburkan pandangan.


Apa yang terjadi? 
Tunggu postinganku selanjutnya ya, stay tuned ;)

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Valuables: time & family

Hi there! we meet again.
I'm actually on a test-week, but currently staying back at home since 5 days ago, bcs I've found out that my midterm test schedule allows me to smell fresh air. So here I am, home at Idul Adha.

It feels so good being home.

Like they all said, there's no place like home. Totally true. But you know what? I'm afraid, of many things. What if someday I can't feel the same way I'm feeling now? What if one day things change? People change, people may come and go. If now I can have this warm family, what if one day it's gone?
I remembered one day, my dad said he will be there when I succeed one day. But he's not. He's not even here now seeing me exploring politics like he did (seeing him watching news on tv was something confusing for me), even attend a university in the same city like he did. He's not here when my brother reaches his top of the game, when he can finally go to see where daddy traveled most of the time (can you guess my brother invited to the white house and even UN headquarter? I could die if I was him). Now I can't have someone, like him, to talk to. To ask whatever I wanna know, because he's the smartest and strongest man I've ever known. No one else supports me like he did.
He truly believes in his children: he let us do everything that we want and never underestimate. When I wanted to paint, he let me esplore. When my brother wanted to try playing chess, he even get him to enter a chess school.
He's an aries, he's total and bold. He never goes for a half, he would do the whole thing he could.
There's only one thing I could remember he prohibited his children to choose: my sister's major. He forced her to enter psychology when my sister loves literature. Well, being the oldest child is never easy. Daddy knew it was wrong anyway.
Well, I miss him so much. But it might be too late, he will never find out unless he read this blog. I hope you see me now, Dad, remembering each word you told me, every places we went to, wishing you're here now.
I never want to repeat the same mistake: realizing that you love someone when it's too late.

I love my mother more than anything, I love my nephew, nieces, even I love my sister and brother (the last one was kinda hard to admit). But I also love my dreams, I have and want to pursue them.
Living in Jogja forced me to shuttle back and forth, away from home. And after I graduate one day I gotta work, maybe miles away or overseas. I can't be with them all the time.
Isn't reaching our dreams would be a bliss to them too?
Like my mother always said, "kalo buat anaknya, orang tua pasti doain terus nggak putus-putus," A mom's love is endless, it goes with you everywhere you go no matter how far.
If I could, I'd hug my mother forever, tell her to stay strong no matter what. She is now, I know she will always be the supermom like she's always been. But I don't normally hug her and say I love her. She just knows, she's my mother.

If I could, I'd spend every little second with them who I love.  

Family isn't something that you can replace. It lasts forever. No one else will accept who you are like they do. I can't be with them all the time, but I would cherish whenever I'm with them, whenever we could be together. Maybe one day I'll go miles away, my brother and married sister will also live apart. Maybe all of us will stay together forever. Who knows? The thing is, love the life that you have right now.  Appreciate everything and each everyone around you, cause you'll never know when it's gonna end.
Just as one marvelous old quote I've ever heard:


"The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."


Time waits for no man, my friend. Just, live the present to the fullest.